Black Mood...

Halo, time to blog. Yes, it's freaking 2.05am on a Thursday morning and here i am blogging. Before anyone question about the title, yes, it really is what it says. I haven't been feeling all that great the past few days.

I was greeted with another "F" on Monday afternoon. It was a combination of the previous 2 tests, which means i just about failed the 2nd one as well. Thanks alot dear God, i really adore my grades this semester. I also got confirmation my lecturer will not give a damn about us(all the F students for the module so far). But i don't blame anyone but myself. This is the real world, there isn't always a hand available to help you up. Ok, i still haven't broken down at this point.

Tuesday was a partially black day. Went to school early and wished i had gotten more sleep. Mr Bala's class was a breeze though, there was a bit of simple programming to do and we were done early. Went to the next class feeling just a little happier. Spent 1 hour half listening to Mr Leung's "speech" while trying to type the answers down. Not much difference, we do that all the time for the lesson. Spent the next hour playing around with a software alien to me. Went to lunch but ended up staring at the rest eating. Did not have any appetite that day. Went for Mr Lam lecture and took a whole page of notes.(finally got my old habit back)

Finally, it was time to find the girls. And that was the start of the "comments session". At least 3 people commented it made me look pregnant. Ok, when the first two comments came my way, i was able to to ignore it. But when the next one came, i felt damn lousy there and then. I was already feeling tired and all i wanted was to go home. Couldn't though, had a party to go to and that was why i was wearing it in the first place. I WAS MAD. My mind was screaming "bloody hell!!" Yes, i do know it's just a top and i am overreacting, but i really am feeling like crap. And the people who said that knows who they are so i shall not name them.

Wore that dreaded top to the party. And yes, i gained some enlightenment there about certain facts. Also, i learnt a few things about people. They make you feel lousy about something then tell you this straight in your face, "Who cares?" Ya, i know who cares, thanks alot people.

Thinking back to the party, i felt a little sad. Don't get me wrong, i was happy the birthday girl likes the presents and she was enjoying herself. But i couldn't help but thought about the way my family was. I just felt like my family do lack in a certain aspect. I will not have even my parents at my 21st, let alone relatives surrounding me. It just doesn't work that way in my family. Even most of my cousins have clean forgotten i exist, and i know for a fact we will all lose contact if not for my aunts. Nevermind, looks like i'll be saving alot of costs for my wedding. Haha..

Wednesday was a waste of time, heading back to school at 2pm because of the stupid National Education. So nothing much to talk about the day. Anyway, it's 2.47am now and it's time to end this very depressing blog.

Before i go though, my feelings are really in a huge messy state and there's nothing i can do about it. I have entertained short moments of suicide and this is a bad omen. I have been trying to throw those moments away because i know somewhere deep inside, i am much stronger than i think. I know i can overcome these weaknesses and i must help myself carry on. There's so much more to live for and God has blessed me with certain events and people to help me find my smile and strength once more. Also, i found tears rolling down my cheeks the moment i tried closing my eyes to sleep last night. Perhaps it's time i got a release from these bad stuff that are happening.

Ok, really time to go, fighting my pending cough and flu along with the tears. I have to stay strong, the future will only get brighter, i will not be my mother. Maybe if i am a good girl, i'll be able to sneak a hug from someone. Hehe...God Bless all...ooooOOOOOO