Giving Up...?

Geraldine Geraldine Geraldine, I am so disappointed in you!!!

YES, I am berating myself and hitting my head against the wall repeatedly. I don't want to whine, but I really don't know what to do anymore. What has happened to my resolves, my determination, my grades, EVERYTHING?

Just got my ITIL over and done with. Very very disappointed in myself. Only scored 75%. Yes, I passed, but it's a bloody low score. That grade when I really studied even the lecture slides? Bloody damn tired of looking into the mirror and seeing a failure staring back at me. If only I could turn back time! I still have a presentation on Monday and a test on Tuesday to clear.

Honestly, there's not enough time left. And it's all my own damn bloody fault!

Geraldine, you need to buck up and move forward, stop looking back! (this is the stronger part of me talking )

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There's another matter as well. One that has driven my sanity out of me completely. And I cannot do a thing about it!!! I hate mentioning it anymore, because everyone is sick of it, and no one believes anything good will come out of it. Thank you to the person who revealed a certain fact to me. Another ask me if I am giving up. I DON'T KNOW!

The mind is trying to win the heart, to quell its stupid desires and hopes. But it doesn't seem strong enough. Why does it always come to something like this?Tired tired tired of the facade I have been portraying, the seemingly indifference to everything.

A challenge to a fight for something with no future, how stupid am I? A foolish foolish foolish person, who has lost her way. There's no one to hear her cries of help and she knows it. At this instance, she knows she has no more power left and the end is near. Is this my answer then, to give up? To keep it buried forever, never to see light again, even the tiniest thoughts, and burning desires?

Maybe.

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I'm stopping the above ranting. I need to focus focus focus. I know my tears are coming soon, wish there's someone I can talk to right now. But I'm left with myself, I guess. There's really no one I trust enough anymore.

Yes, I spent the entire day walking around in a daze, wondering what else can go wrong and how much more I can take. Even playing pool made me tired, and eating was a chore. I wanted very much to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere, to just forget everything. Somehow, I did not want to be alone even so. My friends surrounded me, but I felt so much loneliness still, and I looked at them as I would when watching a foreign-language film, just watching, not really taking anything said in.

Now, I'm going to really take on my studies, there's no time machine available. I have chosen this path, and I need to walk on even if I have to bite my lips till they bleed and ball my fists till my nails dig hard and leave marks on my palms. I'm sure everyone has their fair share of problems. So maybe my problem is mundane in other people's eyes. Time to put the shield back on, straighten my shoulders, steel my back and face this cruel world. Someday, somewhere, I'll find my salvation. Till then, there's not much I can do but accept everything thrown my way.

God Bless,

and here goes "Tian Yi" by Andy Lau....HAHA!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx